In light of my recent weigh-in, I've been trying to cut back on how much I eat. I have bad habits — eating when I'm bored, eating when I'm sad, eating when I'm happy, eating because it tastes good... basically, eating anytime I'm not full, as opposed to when I'm hungry. (No wonder I weigh 170lbs.)

So I'm thinking baby steps, right? I'll cut back to eating three times a day, and if I get hungry in between, I can only have healthy snacks, like fruit, yogurt or a salad. I've never been on a diet of any kind, and I'm generally very bad at denying myself purely hedonistic pleasures (such as eating), so this is kind of a big thing for me. I've been doing it since Monday, and so far, I've been sticking to it. I've only snacked between meals once, and I had an apple. (I've also taken to brushing my teeth twice a day, complete with fluoride treatments but no flossing because my mouth is too crowded, but that's neither here nor there.)

When I decided all of this on Sunday, I thought to myself, 'Now, don't bother telling the family about it. That can only go badly.' I was right, of course (am I ever not?).

Yesterday, I asked my mom what was for dinner, and she waffled about it (no pun intended, truly). I prompted her by telling her that whatever was for dinner would be lunch for me, so I wanted to know if she was making anything. If not, I could make something myself. She suggested a meal, and implied that she might make it right then, at which point I asked if she couldn't wait an hour or so, because I didn't want to eat early.

(The late-night / wee hours are the most difficult for me, because there's no one being noisy and obnoxious in the kitchen to discourage me from cooking, and there's little else to do. Therefore, if I ate lunch early and got hungry later, I might be inclined to indulge. No willpower, I tell you. Some Scorpio rising I am.)

This led to my explaining my diet to her, because she wanted to know why (or more like 'since when') I didn't want to eat right then. When I explained it, she laughed at me. I tried to explain that I weighed too much, and I needed to stop eating when I was bored / not full / feeling hedonistic, and this, too, was apparently funny. Thanks for the support, Mom.

Today, Falon asked if I was hungry, probably because she wanted me to make something for us both, and I told her that I couldn't eat right then. (In retrospect, I should have just said 'no' and walked away. I'd be less moody now.) She asked why, and I successfully dodged the question once via distraction, only to have her ask again when the distraction was over. I answered her that time, saying that I was trying to cut back to eating only three times a day, instead of constantly.

She laughed as she walked away, in more of a 'yeah, right' way than the amused way my mother laughed. I almost wasn't sure what kind of sound it was (or was hoping I'd misinterpreted, maybe?), so I asked, "What?"

She said derisively over her shoulder, "Good luck with that."

It's so nice to be supported.

The thing that really gets me is that these are the same people who don't care that I'm a lesbian — my mother, who took my sexuality more seriously than my father, and Falon, who's slapped people in the face for talking trash about her 'dyke sister.' Is there some reason they can't take this seriously or support me? Jesus H. I'm not asking for gel bracelets or sponsors, here.

On Life

→ I actually weigh 170lbs, apparently. This is insane, as I am 5' 4". I don't look like I weigh 170, but this still should be rectified. With spring and summer coming up, I'll have a lot more to do in the yard and garage, so I should be able to work at least some of it off that way. A little dedication would probably help, too....

→ Semi-related: I may be able to get at least some exercise, because my parents did the intelligent, responsible thing with their income tax money and bought us a Wii. Now, I'm not complaining, exactly — yay, Wii, and I'm glad that my parents want to keep us happy / give us things / what-have-you. But really? I can name several places that money would be better spent: repairing the back porch, replacing the molding wall between the bathroom and dining room, replacing the broken bathtub in our bathroom, fixing the pool, repainting the bathroom, repainting my bedroom, renovating the garage, buying a new lawnmower.... You get the idea. I appreciate the gesture, but I wish they'd reprioritize. At least they've quit smoking weed for the duration of our court proceedings over Miranda. A blown drug test would basically guarantee that we'd never see her again.

→ Through the aforementioned court proceedings, we have now learned that Jason was charged for molesting his younger siblings back in 2000. This is another in a long, long list of reasons that Tara should never get Maci back while Jason is still in that house. My parents have also forbidden any of us (Falon, Miranda and I) from seeing or speaking to him ever again (some loss that is). For reasons beyond my ken, Tara continues to trust and believe him, and even had the stones to bring him to Falon's swim practice the other day. I have no words for this.

→ Speaking of child molesters, my grandmother's husband is still in the hospital and not getting better. He's being kept in Memphis, where I hear he can't even get out of bed. My grandmother, bless her heart, has been spending over 95% of her time at her niece's house in Memphis, so she can be near Jim. She comes home for a day or two every few weeks, and this routine is wearing her out so badly. She actually had to go to the hospital, herself, just the night before last, because her blood pressure skyrocketed. The doctor said it was stress. This is exactly why we all wish Jim would just kick it already. I'm not eager for my grandmother to be alone (again), but this is hurting her; holding onto Jim is hurting her. As disrespectful as it is, I don't like seeing her wasting all of her savings, the money that my grandfather worked so hard to earn for her so that she could have a good life, on Jim.

→ In better news, spring is coming! This means more yard work and a sudden temperature spike, but spring is also invigorating. ♥ It'll be nice to balance the time I've been spending in the garage with some time outside, too. I honestly won't mind working in the yard as much as I did last year, I think. I'm... even kind of looking forward to mowing the lawn (though I'm sure that won't last long, what with needing to do it every two weeks or so).


( On Muses (cut to spare the disinterested) )

Anyone on the f'list want some pounds? I have 15 - 30 to spare. Will also sell in kilos (that's roughly 7 - 14, right?). Free ground shipping within the US.

I have court tomorrow, and none of my nice shirts or vests will fit me. Actually, the shirts won't fit because my rack is too big, but I'm not selling those yet, so.... Yeah, I'll figure something out, I'm sure.

In semi-related news (that is, related to court, not related to my being a fat kid), when they dropped Miranda off at our house on Thursday, they did not bring any of her effects with her. It was mostly clothes, but also a couple of stuffed toys (one of which actually belonged to me) and her inhaler. (She uses a medicated inhaler daily to keep her lungs healthy, because she's very prone to bad respiratory infections.) What they told us was that they could have brought her back with her belongings, but they would have had to wait until Friday, and they thought we wanted her back ASAP, so they took option B, which was bringing her back Thursday and delivering her effects Friday.

It is now Tuesday, and we have yet to receive any of it, including her inhaler. She came home from school yesterday because she was coughing and running a fever, and stayed home again today in similar condition. Mom called DHS and the foster home yesterday to ask them about it, and they claimed they'd be by 'Tuesday afternoon.' Now, at a quarter past six, Mom and Dad have left to go get Miranda's things themselves. Mom's a bit unnecessarily pissed, and I'm wondering what we're going to do with Miranda when we go to court tomorrow — she's in no shape to come along, and she can't go to school, either.

Maybe I'll get lucky and they'll leave me home to look after her. I mean, anything to get away from the sickies; all the coughing and germs make me insane, but really. Anything to get out of waking up at 7am and sitting at the courthouse from 9am on.

Meanwhile, the musespace grows ever more crowded. More on that later, I think. ♥

Oh, also — new layout (and matching profile layout). :D tokyocentricity~